Mediation isn't therapy — it's forward-focused problem-solving

Mediation often gets confused with therapy because both involve sitting down and having a hard conversation (or sometimes several) with a third party present. Both usually involve situations that are emotionally charged and distressing. So you might be wondering: if mediation is all about having hard conversations about difficult circumstances, how is it different from therapy?

The key difference is that mediation isn't about understanding how you got here. It's about figuring out where you go next and how you can get there. Therapy often looks back, exploring the past to help a person understand it, see how it affects them, and work through it. That work is important and valuable, but it is a different kind of work from mediation. Mediation has a narrower purpose: helping people resolve a specific dispute and decide what happens next. Both rely on communication--the purpose of that communication is what sets them apart.

Why people start with the past

Consider divorcing parents who come to mediation to work out a parenting plan (more commonly known as a visitation or possession schedule). Many people in this position want to go through every detail of the history of the relationship, and they often need to be heard before they can move on to problem solving. That is understandable, and I make sure that every person has the opportunity to be heard. When I mediate, I allow each person time to explain the situation or conflict from their perspective and to tell me what a resolution would look like for them, but I don't let this discussion become the focus of our time. In therapy, exploring the past is often the work itself; in mediation, it is only the starting point.

What I listen for

I listen closely while the parties are speaking, and I often ask follow-up questions. I am

listening for something very specific: an understanding of the problems--not the surface-level problems, but the real underlying issues. Conflict in relationships can be viewed as the glacier you see in this image. In every conflict, there are the issues you can see, represented by the small part of the glacier above the surface of the ocean, but there are also many hidden factors below the surface, such as unresolved past conflicts, personality differences, known and unknown needs and beliefs, and even unresolved past experiences that have nothing to do with the matter at hand. These are each party's interests and needs,

and they are what I am looking to uncover.

Personality and unresolved past experiences can shape how people experience and respond to a dispute, and I take that seriously. However, mediation won't resolve everything underneath a conflict, and it isn't meant to. I'm not trying to help anyone make sense of the past or work through it--not because that isn't needed or important, but because that's just not my role, as I'm not a licensed therapist. Licensed therapists spend many years training for that work. My training is in conflict resolution, and my goal is to keep everyone focused on resolving this dispute.

From "what I want" to "what we both want"

At the beginning, every person is focused on their own interests, meaning what they want. I work to shift the focus to common interests instead, such as the peace of mind that will come from putting this matter behind them. With divorcing parents, I might say, "It's obvious that both of you love your children and want what's best for them. What do you think will be best for them?" That framing creates a shared goal. Two people who disagree about nearly everything else can often agree that the children's wellbeing matters most, and starting there can make the remaining decisions easier to approach.

Support, without the therapy

A mediation can still be an emotional process, and I respond with empathy. People going through a divorce, a family conflict, or a business falling apart are dealing with something difficult, and I acknowledge that. I also remind them that if they are able to settle their case, they can begin to rebuild their life without the dispute hanging over their heads. Many people also find therapy valuable alongside mediation, and mediation isn't meant to replace it. If you aren't sure whether mediation, therapy, or both would help, I'm happy to talk it through.

In short, therapy often helps a person understand where they have been. Mediation helps people decide where they go next, and gives them a structured conversation in which to decide it.

Curious whether mediation could help with a situation you’re facing? Contact us to schedule a consultation. Do you have a question you’d like us to cover in a future blog post? Click here to send us your question, or schedule a phone consultation. If you need an answer to one of these questions now, don’t wait—reach out now.